What to do when you don't know what to do
It was the first time I really felt unsafe driving.
My heart was pounding in my chest. My hands felt shaky. I couldn't steady my breath.
My foot was down, because I had just one focus - get myself to my doctor in time.
I HAD to get myself there in time, else I don't know what would have happened.
I was driving back from visiting my man in hospital. He was still drugged up, wandering in and out of consciousness every time he tried to talk to me, to even focus his eyes on me. A tube was still protruding out of his punctured lung, draining it so he could breathe.
Everything we'd ever thought about, dreamed about... GONE.
The strong guy I knew and loved, was lying there so weak, 'broken'.
Broken spine, punctured lung, shattered ribs, struggling to hold a conversation lasting more than a sentence.
I didn't know what to do with myself. What to think. What to anything.
It was then on my six hour drive home, I broke too.
I'd seen my doctor before, depression, anxiety - they were things I'd had to manage, to overcome over the years. And I had, just, with his help.
Driving home, I knew this was a panic I couldn't manage on my own. It was a Friday, and I didn't know if, or how, I could make the weekend without help. So I had to get to my doctors before they closed. I had to. So shaking and frightened, my foot was down. Because I needed to make it.
He called me in, and asked if it was ok the junior trainee doctor with him in the room was there. I nodded, and he asked what I needed. Knowing I'd come over the years when I truly NEEDED.
I told him things had been getting better, hence I'd not been to visit. Things, after all these years, were finally going right. They'd been feeling better. Lighter. And then I explained I'd just been hit by a truck, my man, his accident... The one which had left him paralysed with tubs perturbing and shattered ribs.
I watched as his face fell. Knowing the challenges I'd faced and overcame. Knowing that this, now, was cruel beyond measure. I watched the junior trainee stare at in pity.
I told him I was scared and how right now, all these feelings were just too much.
I needed not to feel, just for now.
I told him I didn't know what to do with myself. How everything was spinning, how everything was uncertain. How I didn't know how to get through as reality hit me, and how I needed some kind of focus in all this spinning uncertainty.
He prescribed the meds I requested. And then he asked me a question...
"what did I know, for sure?"
I didn't know how to answer at first, yet he let me sit there while I thought.
I knew for sure I didn't want to continue working my corporate job (even though I didn't know what to do next).
I knew for sure I didn't want to continue living in my hometown (even though I didn't know where to go next).
And I knew for sure I wanted a family one day (even though I didn't know how that would look).
I didn't know anything else, but those three things I knew for sure.
While everything else was still shaky and painful and scary and confusing, those three things - even though at the time I didn't know how they were going to happen - those three things gave me the tiniest piece of something to clutch onto in my spinning world.
They gave me something sure, solid. And I needed them.
Sometimes life still feels a little crazy, a little uncertain, a little overwhelming. Each time I feel a little 'something', I ask myself that same question.
What, right now, do I know for sure?
It's a question that catches & saves me every time. Please, feel free to borrow it if ever you need.