4 YEARS ON...
I look like an idiot in this photo (the first one), and I only share it because today is 'today', and it's the only photo I can find of us both standing together.
The other day me and my guy were going for a walk (me walking, him rolling), and we were saying how today was almost here.
Today being four years to the day of the accident that changed everything.
It feels like both a lifetime ago and just yesterday all at once.
The thing that felt even weirder though, was how it now means that almost half the time we've been together has been in this 'new life' - which means it's not so 'new' anymore, and how this is about to become the bigger part.
While I love our life together (albeit if I had a magic wand, I'd so wave that thing and change one or two bits), I miss so badly the days before.
The days we could walk hand in hand.
The days we could have a standing hug and I'd fit just perfectly in that 'nook' space just under his arm.
The days I had to reach up for a kiss (instead of down).
The days when you could be spontaneous and decide to go somewhere on a whim.
The days when we could spend hours cuddling in bed (instead of his pain killing the most simplest of pleasures).
The days where things just felt so much easier and simpler.
I miss them like crazy, and yet at the same time I'm so (so) glad we had them.
'Today' is not usually a day I feel sad (it's a day he adds some goodness to the world, where each year on the 25th July he releases some cool new tee's or a hoodie's or something - with all the money raised from the sales going to spinal cord research in the hope one day a cure is found for those no longer able to walk), but today I kinda am a little...
Realising that our 'new/different' life together is about to become the bigger part, and the old parts really are being left behind...
It seems to have added an extra level of realness that's hitting home/my heart today.
So while another day is for celebrating all the things we have now (and we do have so many beautiful things), today is for remembering those that we had.
I'll be back tomorrow I'm sure with a lighter heart, but for today...
Ps. We've had so many people be so cool and help us along the way over these last four years. I literally cannot thank you enough for your big ways and small ways of being there.
Pps. Extra big thank you's go to my ongoing Patrons, with who I share our stories with.
Ppps. I've written over the last four years how for so long I felt totally lost, and couldn't see/imagine where our future would take us with all our previous dreams being swept away that night.
Yet now I can say this...
While it feels like it's going to take forever most days to 'get there' (with us starting again from scratch in so many ways), our dream now is to find/build a home that is just ours in Cornwall. One we own (not rent) that can never be taken away, with our ultimate dream then to have another small place in Yorkshire (a place he loves and I'm growing to) so we can live between the two.
All else apart from that is simple...
To enjoy each day/moment to it's fullest, and to explore/adventure around this big tiny world of ours as often as possible.
For him : To see his Can't Quit Cartel community grow and continue to be an inspiration to those who wear it.
For me : To continue to see The Lifestyle Designers Club community grow and continue to be an inspiration for those who want to create their coolest, most amazing and beautiful lives - no matter what their circumstances/hand they've been dealt.
With the real biggest of love...