Asking impossible questions…
The hardest thing (for me) when my guy has one of his pain episodes/attacks is knowing what to do - with myself.
The first year or two especially I felt like I was walking around on eggshells just waiting for another episode/attack to reek it’s havoc (something we never usually had to wait long for).
When it did, I’d jump up looking for what I could do, how I could help - because there had to be SOMETHING I could do, right?
…Right? (Like, PLEASE, someone just say yes…)
I learnt however there wasn’t (although it took me a while).
I learnt just being patient, being there at the end with a hug (and sometimes tea) was the thing I could do (and was needed more than anything).
During ‘The Pain’s’ force/will is (somehow) even greater than mine, and there’s no stopping it when it comes.
I had to learn to stop ‘jumping up’ and ‘trying to (frantically) fix’ it every time - but then when those times do come… What DO you do?
When you see the person you care most about in the world being torn apart from insane amounts of pain and they’re right there next to you… What do you do with yourself when you know you can’t help?
…sit there and say/do nothing for the next 2, 5, 30 minutes while it’s reeking its havoc?
…carry on like normal and enjoy what you were doing (while pretending it’s not happening)?
I still haven’t figured out the answer to that question 4.5 years on.
After learning the ‘jumping up and frantically/desperately trying to help/fix everything’ thing wasn’t working (or even helping despite my best intentions) - I’ve tried just carrying on with my day and enjoying the thing I was doing before, and yet…
How do you hold onto the sense of joy, ease, lightness you had before and carry on with (enjoying) your day when you can see/hear the person you love most rolling around in a world of agony?
How now instead do you do THAT?
I still haven’t figured out the answer to those questions 4.5 years on. I still haven’t figured out if actually, I’m just asking questions that are simply impossible to answer…
PS… Yes I’m determined, and I’m on a mission to one day ease (if not rid) these pain episodes/attacks. If you’d ever like to help with them check out my Patrons page here - thank you in advance ❤️❤️❤️.
PPS… I wouldn’t usually share the above photo (right photo), yet it came up yesterday from one we took for some reason two years ago. My eyes might be closed and there might be a black and white filter on (which usually hides all sorts of things), but in this one photo I can see how tired a really was/felt with all the ‘trying’ and ‘doing’ to fix everything…
PPPS… And the photo on the left… A little reminder to me, to be kind to myself while I’m figuring out my ‘impossible’ questions…