What would you do if you felt truly supported?
Yesterday I asked myself a question...
“What would you do it you felt truly supported?”
I was driving at the time (on my way to my first shiatsu massage) and pondering something.
It happens to be one of my favourite questions to ask or journal on when I feel unsure.
There are more times than I can even begin to count or share, where I've made a decision based on fear or lack, so it's a really lovely question to ask.
You see, over the years the fear of not being able to fully support myself has been one of two triggers I've identified that cause my anxiety to rear it's not so pretty head and lead the decision making process in a not so useful way.
When I ask that question however, it seems to instantly take me out of my head and into...
Well, I don't even know how to describe it exactly...
...but into the that place of the deepest sense of knowing on what is right for me. That feeling when you just KNOW, without a single shadow of any doubt. I'm sure you've felt it in you too, so please feel free to call it what fits best for you...
Intuition, divine guidance, something else...
Sometimes I know it's been my own doing, I've pushed people away, I've not accepted help because I didn't want to 'put someone out'. I thought/assumed I had to do it all on my own, because I wasn't used to people being there for me.
It's led to one very independent and capable woman being present in this world, yet it's also led to that same woman struggling to receive help or support when offered, and it's definitely led to that same woman not knowing how to ask for help when she's really needed it.
It's been a daily practice since for me to let go of those habits since discovering/seeing them.
And a practice that has seen me become more open over the years to receiving compliments when given (instead of instantly deflecting them) and a helping hand when it's been kindly offered. It still does't always feel comfy accepting those things, yet I'm getting over it and it's no longer entirely out of the question to enjoy them.
So, yeah, the whole feeling/letting myself be supported thing...
I've been getting there. The question above really has been lovely to ask, and the answers it's provided have been even more beautiful and reassuring to receive.
Yet, can I hand on heart now say I feel truly supported in this big universe of ours after all these years of practice? That I don't have to do it all alone? That I KNOW I'll be ok?
I wish I could give you the answer my head logically knows, that it is possible, yet I can't say my honest answer from that deep sense of knowing place would be the same.
I guess I thought I had/was getting there more than I was, until I lay on the floor during my shiatsu massage. There was a pillow under my head to support it, yet it was only just under the top of my head, it wasn't supporting all of me or my neck fully.
Yet I didn't want to move, I just thought 'oh well, that'll be enough, it'll do...'
It was right then I saw I hadn't actually even scratched the surface. I wasn't even allowing myself to be fully supported by a pillow. I can't remember what was happening at the time, but I stopped everything to move that pillow right under my head. It felt like the smallest yet most significant thing I could do to show the universe I really did want to feel and be supported, and be open to not feeling the need to do this all solo.
When I drove home, I instantly knew this had to be my word of the year.
I thought it was going to be something else, yet this was and is far more important.
So this is my year, 2018, the year of being SUPPORTED.
I'm allowing that word to show up in all the ways it wants, and even in these last few short 24 hours or so since deciding, it's already shown me so much. So yes, hey there universe, friend, I'm open to being supported. Show me all that you have.
With love -
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