You are not a tree. If you don’t like where you are, move.

The first year after my guy came out of hospital things we REALLY tough.

Along with not being able to walk anymore he was also in so. much. pain. every. single. day. - and that was on top of a whole bunch of other pretty shitty stuff he was already dealing with (that’s not mine to share).

I guess it was the naivety of not knowing, of not having been in such a situation before, that I didn’t realise just how much would end up falling on my shoulders.

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10 Years

Ten years ago (today) I had my first date with this cute one.

I think we can all pretty fairly say it's been a ride (understatement much?!) with more ups and downs than I'd ever have expected in a whole lifetime, and yet…

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The side you don’t see…

When I write stories I’ll often share that for my guy it’s not the non walking part that’s the toughest, that it’s actually the pain and ‘other stuff’ that comes with it.

I don’t write/talk about the ‘other stuff’ as often it’s personal and not mine to share - yet here is one of those ‘other stuff’ times, the side you don’t get to see…

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Asking impossible questions…

The hardest thing (for me) when my guy has one of his pain episodes/attacks is knowing what to do - with myself.

The first year or two especially I felt like I was walking around on eggshells just waiting for another episode/attack to reek it’s havoc (something we never usually had to wait long for).

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When you just have to know…

If you asked me now what I was looking to achieve, or even hoping, I'm not sure I could honestly tell you.

I mean, I *knew* my guy couldn't walk, and did I think overnight 'oh wait, I'll try this and everything will be ok and he'll just all of a sudden start wiggling his toes again...'? No.

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4 Years on...

I look like an idiot in this photo (the first one), and I only share it because today is 'today', and it's the only photo I can find of us both standing together.

The other day me and my guy were going for a walk (me walking, him rolling), and we were saying how today was almost here.

Today being four years to the day of the accident that changed everything.

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There’s always another way…

My guys not much of a writer or sharer of 'personal stuff' (he'd much rather put a brave face on, crack a smile, a laugh or a joke), yet today he wrote this...

A story of his I never would have told yet I'm proud he shared, because you never know who's (quietly) going through their own stuff, with their own brave face on.

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Yesterday went a little like this...

5AM // Spot a text from my guy (who was 'sleeping' next door for the night) sent 30 minutes before. A photo of him looking beyond tired/stressed/wondering what the heck to do with himself.

Go next door, give him a cuddle. Remind him he's loved and agree this is the unfairest thing in the whole world, because it really is. So far as much as he's needed/wanted to, he's not slept. It's the pain. Always the pain.

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3.5 Years on... An update

3 years ago I wrote a post, the first about me and my guy and his accident.

I was *SO* nervous hitting publish. How I'd be seen, how he'd react.

Yet that post opened the doors to the biggest wave of kindness and love and support I've ever received, and in a way, that wave saved me, and him.

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I want to love my body again…

I want to love my body again.

I can barely look at it right now, and what I've done to it.

After years of feeling ashamed of how I looked - larger and softer than felt natural for my frame, I started to love me, to take care of me, eating good foods (mindfully) and finding exercise I loved.

It saw me find a body I loved too - one that finally felt like 'me'.

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