When you just have to know…
If you asked me now what I was looking to achieve, or even hoping, I'm not sure I could honestly tell you.
I mean, I *knew* my guy couldn't walk, and did I think overnight 'oh wait, I'll try this and everything will be ok and he'll just all of a sudden start wiggling his toes again...'? No.
Hmmmmn, ok, maybe there was a teeny tiny hope in the latter.
And I guess that's why had to do it... If there was even just the slightest slimmest minuscule chance of something, I had to try and find out.
So there I'd find myself at the bottom of our bed, with his feet poking out as he slept and as I'd walk by I'd try to 'tickle' them.
I'd try all different parts, maybe there would just be a tiny bit of feeling in one part and not in another...
Maybe the doctors weren't quite right, and there was actually just a little more there than they thought. Maybe my guy didn't realise it was hiding in there somewhere, and hadn't found the little spots that still had some feeling, some movement, some something...
I'd walk passed our bed for a whole year trying to find those little 'tickle' spots of hope. I never found them, I learnt they really weren't there.
I don't remember exactly when I stopped, yet I know when I did my hope didn't stop with it. Maybe I didn't find it there but then also I don't believe that's it, the end, that's as good as it got.
It's one of the reasons I set up the Patrons page, I'd love so much to be able to try and see what's out there, what can help with a little more movement, or to relieve pain, or to be able to walk again (even with the assistance). I've seen it in others, so why not my guy too.
Part of me feels silly for writing/thinking this at all, yet I dunno, if you lose hope and just give up, well what is there then. We are where we are and I'm ok with that (there's lots of good, I might not have chosen EXACTLY this story if I'd have written it for us, but I'm ok with it), yet in my very core I know there's more than can be done and found to make things a little better, a little easier.
One day I'll learn if my eternal optimism served me well...
PS… I have no reason for sharing this photo bar it just utterly makes me smile.
It popped up in my TimeHop again the other day, from when (for whatever reason) we were in the same house FaceTiming - and he was in the best mood singing and dancing away as he packaged up orders, and I'm just thinking... "you idiot, but an idiot I love who I adore seeing this happy - I hope it never ends..."
PPS… My guy maybe isn't the biggest fan of these photos, but then again, they make me smile so... #HeartYou #SorryNotSorry ☺️❤️☺️❤️☺️❤️
PPPS… Patron info here: www.ruthxo.com/patrons (thank you).