I Want To Love My Body Again...

I want to love my body again

I want to love my body again.

I can barely look at it right now, and what I've done to it.

After years of feeling ashamed of how I looked - larger and softer than felt natural for my frame, I started to love me, to take care of me, eating good foods (mindfully) and finding exercise I loved.

It saw me find a body I loved too - one that finally felt like 'me'.

And then…

And then the boyfriends accident happened and the whole world got turned upside down.

With the stress and the heartache and the not being able to keep anything inside of me, I lost around 14 pounds (that I didn't need to lose) within a couple short weeks.

Yet over the following months with 600 mile round trips for hospital visits and 'grab and go eat whatever' foods, those lost pounds steadily went back on.

And when my guy came out of hospital and the real stress hit - the taking care of him, the sleepless nights, the working countless hours to provide for us both - the taking care of me just seemed to...

Well, fall away. Become non existent.

All exercise stopped. The extra pounds steadily kept creeping on. My body gained aches. It felt tired, and I felt tired - constantly.

And then we land upon today.

I've had a number of physio sessions so thankfully most of those ongoing aches are now dealt with and cared for.

I'm struggling to find an exercise regime I enjoy - the facilities close by are lacking, yet my body craves movement and strength and being properly used again, so I'm ready to find something even if it's not 'perfect'.

And I'm currently two dress sizes up from my 'norm'.

I actually feel embarrassed typing that out, and sharing it with you.

Yet it's not like I can hide it, anyone who sees me can see all of me, including those two extra (uncomfortable) dress sizes.

I really dislike seeing photos of me right now, they're barely recognisable to the person I normally see and know and love.

And so...

And so lot's of parts of me want to hate me right now, to be disappointed in me and what I've done to the body I loved yet can now barely look at.

And yet, I can't hate me. I'm proud I'm still here and standing at all.

So 2018 sees me a year of health. That's what I've dedicated 2018 to - feeling healthy (and whole and 'me' again).

Healthy in my body, in my life, in my business, in my mind and friendships and relationships... In everything.

And I honestly can't wait.

Ruth Ridgeway

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